FOR IMMEDIATE CONFUSION
Nationals announce (conceptual) shadow cabinet
The National Party of Australia today proudly announces the establishment of its own Shadow Cabinet, following its historic decision to operate independently of the Coalition, convention, and basic parliamentary mechanics.
Party Leader [TO BE CONFIRMED ] announces “a more mature and serious evolution” of the Nationals’ role in federal politics.
“This Shadow Cabinet demonstrates that we are ready to govern,” the [TO BE CONFIRMED] said. “Or oppose. Or something in between. The important thing is that we now have titles.”
The Nationals stressed that the Shadow Cabinet should not be confused with a traditional shadow cabinet, as the party is neither the Opposition nor constitutionally entitled to one.
“This is a modern, flexible, regional-focused shadow cabinet,” a spokesperson explained. “It exists primarily as an idea.”
Proposed portfolios (conceptual)
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Climate Change Acceleration – Matt Canavan
Responsible for opposing emissions reduction by increasing emissions, thereby streamlining the policy process. “Climate change is happening, let’s embrace it,” Senator Canavan said. “The Nationals believe in getting things done.” - Sub-Shadow Minister for (Lots) More Guns – Bridget McKenzie
Charged with defending firearms while identifying new and imaginative threats to public safety. “The real danger isn’t guns,” Senator McKenzie said. “It’s people who keep bringing the issue up.” - Sub-Shadow Minister for Looking Extremely Glum – Kevin Hogan
A senior morale role reflecting the emotional state of the party.
“This face is policy,” Mr Hogan said, without blinking. and staring forlornly into the distance.
Additional portfolios under consideration
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Culture Wars That No One Else Is Fighting
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Coal Nostalgia and Imaginary Jobs
- Rotating Sub-Shadow Minister for Being Extremely Furious on Sky News After Dark
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Explaining Why This Is Somehow Labor’s Fault
Appointments may further rotate depending how sharp the knives are.
