In a move constitutional scholars are describing as “bold” and “inventive,” the Nationals are allegedly preparing to announce their very own shadow cabinet.
One constitutional expert likened it to “a toddler insisting they’re a police officer because they found a cardboard badge in a cereal box”.
This is despite not technically no longer being in opposition, or let’s face it, any recognisable phase of parliamentary reality.
Nationals shadowy cabinet
The Nationals insist this is not a shadow cabinet. This is more a sub-shadow, collection of job titles that exist primarily in the imagination.
Party sources say the move follows the Nationals’ decision to split from the Coalition. Thus instantly rendering themselves both independent and largely ornamental.
Matt Canavan is reportedly spruiking his dream role as Sub-Shadow Minister for Climate Change Acceleration. A position he has been preparing for over decades, by personally overseeing the rapid worsening of the problem.
Canavan says he looks forward to opposing emissions reduction by increasing emissions. A bold policy position that saves time by going straight to the irreversible consequences.
Bridget McKenzie is tipped to become Sub-Shadow Minister for (Lots) More Guns, citing her party leader’s helpful clarification that guns “aren’t dangerous,” unlike wind turbines, cyclists, and people who live within 10 kilometres of a café.
McKenzie says the role is about balance: more guns, fewer facts, and absolutely no reflection. “The real danger isn’t guns,” McKenzie said. “It’s people pointing out how many guns there are.”
Kevin Hogan, meanwhile, is believed to be lobbying hard for the role of Sub-Shadow Minister for Looking Extremely Glum. Insiders say he has been practising the expression relentlessly — in reflective surfaces, parliamentary corridors, hoping to perfect the precise blend of disappointment, grievance, and quiet entitlement. “I’ve been working toward this role my entire career,” he added, staring into the middle distance.
Other Nationals shadowy roles – up for grabs
Other rumoured portfolios include:
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Culture Wars That No One Else Is Fighting
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Coal Nostalgia and Imaginary Jobs
- Rotating Sub-Shadow Minister for Being Extremely Furious on Sky News After Dark
- Sub-Shadow Minister for Explaining That Everything we Do Is Someone else’s fault.
The Nationals stress the announcement is about sending a message: we are serious, we are independent, and we will not be constrained by trivialities such as parliamentary structure, logic, or the meaning of the word “shadow.”
At press time, the Liberals were still trying to determine whether this constitutes a negotiating tactic, or just another very public tantrum.
The Drop Bear Dispatch will continue monitoring developments from deep within the constitutional twilight zone.
