There’s a certain sound that strikes fear into Coalition leaders everywhere. No, not the sound of voters. Not focus groups. Not even Sky After Dark warming up.
It’s the gentle shhhk shhhk of a knife being sharpened in the political shed.
And this week, that sound is coming from Andrew Hastie.
The art of stepping up
With the Coalition’s leadership woes in the perennial “are we there yet?” phase, Hastie has reportedly been spotted polishing the cutlery and muttering things like “I didn’t want to do this”.
Which is, historically, exactly what you say right before doing it.
Officially, no challenge has been declared. Unofficially, everyone in the party room knows what’s coming. This is the latest Night of the Long Knives, again done properly Australian: no cloaks, no torches, just a well-worn footy jumper, a furrowed brow, and a speech about “the future.”
Sussan Ley, for her part, is bravely pretending this is all fine. Totally fine. Just a normal day. After all, nothing says stability like colleagues circling you while insisting they’re “keeping their options open.”
Nothing says stability like a spill
Hastie’s pitch is expected to be classic dad energy: firm handshake, steady eye contact, and a lot of talk about “tough decisions” and “hard conversations,” none of which will ever be clearly defined.
He won’t say he’s stabbing anyone in the back — that would be rude. No, he’ll say he’s “stepping up,” which in Coalition dialect means please move out of the way.
“These rumours are disappointing,” a spokesperson for Ley said, adding that the leader remained “focused on the job,” which currently involves checking over her shoulder, a lot.
The knives, are metaphorical. But like all good metaphors in politics, they’re being sharpened anyway, just in case.
And when the deed is finally done, everyone will insist it was necessary, regrettable, just a routine (very routine)leadership adjustment. Like rotating tyres. Or replacing a bloke who keeps insisting he’s the man while everyone else has already walked off to the next barbecue.
Classic dad stuff, really.
