In a shocking turn of events no one asked for, Pauline Hanson has accidentally time-travelled to modern day Melbourne. A city so multicultural, caffeinated, and deeply uninterested in her opinions that it may as well be another planet.
Fresh from traumatising Barnaby when her burqa slipped off, then seducing him with a feast of toasted steak and canned vegetables old enough to vote, Pauline rocketed forward a few decades to headline the Put Australia First rally.
Welcome to the Rally: Sponsored by Overseas Manufacturing
If you’ve ever wanted to witness a group of people screaming about sovereignty while wearing an entire wardrobe sourced from Abdul’s AliExpress, this was your moment.
Guangzhou’s doing well keeping the lights on. Waving their flags, and wearing their thongs, the irony of Made in China was just one step beyond the collective comprehension.
One bloke had a “Stop Globalism!” stitched on his Helle Hanson jacket.
You almost had to admire the commitment. Almost.
A Rally With Less Energy Than a Damp Firecracker
But alas, the whole thing fizzled. Truly fizzled. If you’d left a squib in a bucket of water overnight, it would’ve put on more of a show. Attendance was… spacious. Aerial photos revealed more gaps than the average bogan’s dental state.
The only thing thinner than the crowd was their combined lack of understanding of the Gregorian calendar, attendees reportedly rocked up on wrong weekends, and one woman insisted the rally had been “cancelled by Dan Andrews”.
To be fair, anyone with a functioning frontal lobe was at home watching the footy, clipping their toenails, or doing literally anything else.
Pauline vs. Melbourne: A Rivalry for the Ages
Upon arrival, Pauline declared Melbourne “a bit shite,” which locals found generous considering her presence had just lowered the state’s average IQ by a fair notch.
Wanting to “blend in,” she re-donned her burqa and ventured into the city. Things quickly went downhill.
She tried to pay for a coffee with One Nation pamphlets, accused a barista of foreign interference when asked if she wanted plant based milk, and dobbed in Flinders Street Station because there were, “too many languages happening at once”.
The confrontation peaked when she saw a tram. Not understanding why it didn’t run solely on fear mongering, she did her best Gandalf directive to “go back to where you came from.”
By all accounts, the tram did not comply.
Meanwhile, Back at the Rally
While Pauline was being intellectually outperformed by Melbourne public transport, her supporters were hard at work berating people for “not being proud enough to be Aussie,” all while juggling smartphones assembled in Shenzhen.
One man carrying a “Tradition Matters!” sign was later seen ordering a large bubble tea. Asked about the contradiction, he stared blankly and said, “What’s a contradiction?
The Escape
After an afternoon of pure existential horror Pauline retreated. Word on the street was it was a confronting experience given the abundance of people who were capable of stringing a sentence together without saying “go back to where you came from!”.
Witnesses report her sprinting back to her time machine, and just like that, she was gone, blasted back to whatever decade she came from, leaving behind a city still running, still multicultural, and still profoundly unimpressed.
What part of Australia would you like to see a time-travelling Pauline accidentally land in next?
