It’s fair to say that ever since Tony Abbott, briefly waddled through the Lodge in his budgie smugglers, the Coal-ition’s climate agenda has had the sophistication of a Sky News After Dark flat Earth chat.
During that nine-year sabbatical from useful governance, the Libs largely served then, as they do now, as indentured serfs to the Nationals, who have always preferred policies that can be carved into a fence post with a pocketknife in simple runes.
A Climate Policy With the Integrity of a Wet Tissue
But fast-forward a heady twelve years and the party that once confidently strode backwards and with gusto appears to be even more bereft of ideas. The Nationals in particular are going full-throttle, seemingly determined to restore Victorian-era “values”, you know, the good old days when children worked naked in mines while pit ponies fought for a lunch break.
Yet leaked documents, which as most Coal-ition policy ideas, were likely formulated in trap two in the bloke’s loo and more likely also in complete despair, reveal a bold new strategy. Climate change isn’t a threat, it’s the greatest tourism opportunity since the Big Banana.
The pitch is simple.
Let global warming run rampant
Think of it!
- Brand-new coastline to explore for beach nuts.
- Fresh deserts ideal for Insta-influencers seeking a “spiritual journey” without leaving home.
- Premium white-water rafting through flood-ravaged suburbs, perfect for the thrill-seeker who thinks the Yarra just isn’t trying hard enough.
We caught up with Matty Canavan, wanna be Minister for Climate Change Acceleration, but better known for his men’s cosmetic range, Coal Dust, the only moisturiser guaranteed to give you chronic lung disease.
Caught off guard at a product launch at Desolation Mine, he proudly declared: “You’ve got to admit it’s a beautiful idea. Open-cut coal mines are the peak of human civilisation. Why wouldn’t we sell them as scenic wonders? Sure, the view can be ruined by a pesky wind turbine here and there, but that’s nothing a bit of dynamite can’t fix.”
Peter Dutton, unemployed model and close pal, was keen to expand on the tourism angle. Channeling the Victorian era he so wished he was born into, he lamented, “We’re bringing back proper family experiences, peasant-whipping, coal lugging for the kiddies. It’s heritage. Australians crave authenticity.”
Nature – A New Government Department
When asked about the cost, Matty revealed the true brilliance of the plan, “The best part is we don’t have to do a thing. The coastline comes to you. The desert comes to you. The disasters come to you. It’s nature’s own auto-pilot. We’re just the lucky custodians.”
Meanwhile, Sussssssan Ley was last seen stumbling down the corridor of impending irrelevance chanting “Let’s get climate change done, let’s get climate change done …”
What do you think:? Brilliant master plan, or the usual temperature-induced brain melt?
