This festive season, while most Australians are unwrapping presents and pretending to listen to their uncle’s new conspiracy theory, the Coalition is busy unwrapping a brand new excuse generator.
Andrew Tate – poster boy of non-losing
And it’s poster boy? Andrew “if I wasn’t tired I’d have won” Tate.
You know Tate, professional attention-seeker, self-declared alpha, and the only man who can lose a boxing match and still call it a victory, at least in his own head. He stepped into the ring, swinging his brand of macho nonsense, only to receive a good old-fashioned Christmas flogging.
But fear not, Tate had a scientific explanation for the loss. “He beat me because I got tired… If I didn’t get tired, I would’ve won.”
Powerful logic, and bullet proof mental gymnastics. Translated for us mere simpletons, “If I hadn’t lost I would’ve won.”
Punch drunk politics meets denial
Rumour has it the Coalition is fascinated by Tate’s worldview, especially the part where you admit reality never happens. A senior strategist was overheard saying, “This is incredible, imagine applying this to elections.”
According to the refined Coalition narrative, “If the Australian public hadn’t voted for the other mob we’d have won”. Which is breathtakingly similar to, “If my opponent hadn’t punched me repeatedly in the face, I’d have aced it.” It’s politics via a self-inflicted face plant.
Fixated on the rear-view mirror
So it isn’t just Tate’s excuse, it’s now the governing philosophy of a party desperately clinging to the rear-view mirror, convinced Australia will reverse back into them eventually. Spoiler: we won’t. We’re too busy heading toward the future they keep insisting is a hallucination.
So here’s the big question: if a political party refuses to admit defeat, but the country knows they were knocked out cold… how long before we just stop pretending they’re even in the ring?
