In a generous act of national service, Gina Rinehart has stepped forward to explain the cost of living crisis to Australians. Many hadmistakenly believed it involved low wages and high rent and food costs, when in fact it’s attitude.
A helpful explanation from someone unaffected
“Australians should stop complaining and start inheriting better,” she allegedly complained. Adding, “when my costs go up, I simply pass them on.” The comment was met with confusion from workers unfamiliar with pricing power, mineral royalties, or owning the means of extraction. “Mores the fool them!” a loyal servant uttered whilst polishing her golden loo.
Rinehart’s intervention comes amid renewed concern about household budgets, a matter she appears to understand conceptually, if not experientially. Asked about rising energy prices, she was reportedly bemused, “Why don’t Australians diversify their income streams with critical minerals and jump on the subsidies bandwagon?”
Self-made theory
A spokesperson is expected to shortly announce the Self-Made Australian Program, a practical pathway to untold riches. Core subjects will include:
- being born at the right time to the right parents
- how to inherit mineral-rich land and keep it to yourself
- how to maximise your government subsidies to the tune of millions in tax payer support.
Government assistance for these who need it most
Students will also learn how to attract federal assistance for nation building projects, such as rare earths investments. A sector recently bolstered by substantial funding so as not to expose your run-of-the-mill billionaire to any undue risk or anxiety.
Critics note the program’s timing coincides with reports of Gina undertaking an extensive renovation of her mansion, a reminder that while Australians are being urged to tighten belts, these prepared to jump on the bandwagon are merely expanding their wings.
Early sign-ups to the program will receive a hi-vis vest, a hard hat with an emblazoned portrait of Gina. You know the one, currently hanging in the National Gallery, gazed upon by us, her many subjects.
Confidence remains strong at the top
A government spokesperson defended the funding, stating, “Australians must understand that while they can endure higher rents, wages that don’t move, and food prices that do, billionaires simply cannot be expected to suffer in silence.”
Although the cost of living crisis persists, confidence among billionaires was said to be strong.
