In yet another act of divine magnanimity, His Radiant Tangeriness, Donald J. Trump has unveiled a set of travel rules which is truly bonkers. A bold new directive for anyone foolish enough to want to visit Trumpistan: hand over five years of your personal history.
You mean you want everything?
Everything. All of it. Details of bad hair cuts, being out on the lash, bad kebab choices, bodily fluids. You name it, he wants it.
Many critics, as usual, missed the point entirely. This was not tyranny. This was charity.
The Donald, in a fit of pure benevolence, simply wants Australians to fire up whatever brain cells remain and engage in some wholesome, character-building reflection.
Sort of like therapy, but with more paperwork and less hope.
World’s best at everything
Having long eclipsed Kim Jong-un in the global “Best Human at Everything Ever Invented or Yet to Be Invented” rankings, Trump is said to have conceived the scheme during one of his many daily meditation sermons.
JD Vance, offered this glowing endorsement, “it’s wild what comes out of him after one of those sessions. He’s like a toddler reborn, confused, sticky, and full of ideas no sane adult would sanction. It’s really where his best stuff comes from”
This comes on the heels of Trump perfecting the ancient art of divining rods, which he then used to smite the fishing fleet of a rival banana republic. No one’s sure why. The rods said so. That’s enough.
Truly, there are no limits to the Donald’s talents. Only consequences.
Infantile Infanto
Knowing full well that world domination is best left to megalomaniacs with better hair, FIFA emperor Gianni “Infantile” Infantino bent the knee, knelt low, and got stuck. Like really stuck.
And behold, the Donald was bestowed with an early Christmas miracle, “Best footballer of all time and all future time”.
Best footballer that ever lived
Within minutes, Trump reportedly strolled outside, nutmegged a Chelsea midfielder, body-checked a Liverpool defender, and won the EPL, twice. And all before lunch
Kim Jong-un, the previous holder of the title, was said to be absolutely devo.
Family member and rising star Wee-un commented: “Yeah nah, he’s filthy about it. Reckons he’ll demand a penalty shootout. Maybe at the DMZ. Good for tourism.”
When asked if North Korea would also require five years of personal history from visitors, Wee-un recoiled in horror:“F**k no. That’s banana republic shit.”
So, is that my visa waiver seriously f***cked up?
