Feeling a tad lonely and increasingly surrounded by mirrors, His Magnificence Donald J. Trump has reportedly released several long-detained Area 51 aliens and invited them into his inner sanctum. This unusual move has led many to question the involvement of Trump with Area 51 aliens.
Loyalty serum
Having been confined for several centuries, the aliens were a bit the worse for wear. Trump, being the world’s best at everything, has of course mastered the art of rejuvenation. Now boasting of a mind restored to the sharpness of a temperamental toddler.
To enact the rejuvenation process, the hapless specimens were injected with Trump Vile™, harvested fresh from the man himself.
No obvious loyalty serum side effects
The effects become obvious almost immediately. Within hours, the aliens began denying their own existence, blamed migrants for crop circles, and were rage tweeting. Their obedience to the great man became absolute, unconditional devotion. This phenomenon has sparked curiosity about Trump’s influence over Area 51 aliens.
Imposter in town
JD Vance admitted he’s developing his own derivative strain of the substance, marketed simply as “Musk“. A weaker, smellier knockoff that causes users to confuse confidence with genius.
A staffer went on the record, “Stephen Miller wanted in on the act and was lined up for a good dose of Trump Vile™, but we reckon he’s already rivalling the Antichrist, so it would likely be useless. We swapped it out for Musk. Poor bastard, regressed straight back to Homo Erectus.”
Are we still writing satire, or just filing leaked briefings?
